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Cousin time 2024
Overheard things being said:
- Isaac: “I know the box’s weakness! The weakness … from inside.”
- Phineas: “I have to look at Satan through my telescope.”
- Ezra: “Mammals don’t have legs.” (pause) “I mean: mammals don’t lay eggs.”
- Vivian: (chanting) “Bagutte, bagutte, bagutte!”
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Eternal torture
Hey Nate, wanna hear our idea for eternal torture?
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Bad review
Phineas: “I’m going to go on the Internet and write: ‘Don’t go to Ezra’s Crush Factory! He only either crushes you too much or not at all.’”
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Skin
Phineas: “Hey, ma.”
Carrie: “Yes?”
Phineas: “How heavy is skin?” -
dopple
Ezra: “You are my little brother…“
Phineas: “No I’m not.”
Ezra: “So, you’re some kind of doppelganger. I think that’s less reliable.”
Phineas: “No…“
Ezra: “Mom! Should you take medical advice from some kind of doppelganger?” -
Until death
Phineas, watching The Return of the King:
“He has to serve him forever.”
“Well. Until he dies. That’s what ‘service for life means’.”
“You can’t serve someone who’s dead.”
“What if you did have to serve someone who was dead! How would you even do it?”
“Well, I guess that’s what they call ‘being alive’. Because they wouldn’t be able to give you any orders.”
“Because they’d be dead.”
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Todo list
Carrie made each of the kids a “to-do” list for the weekend.
Ezra: “Phineas. Why did you add ‘poop’ and ‘commit suicide’ to my todo list?!”
Phineas: “Why do you think I did it?”
Ezra: “Because… I don’t think anyone else would do that.”Carrie reprimands Phineas
Phineas: “OK. Mom let you off on committing suicide. But you still need to poop!”
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At its finest
Ezra: “I’m squeeking this cabinet with my butt!“
Phineas: “Aaaaaaaaaaahh!”
Ezra: “America at its finest.”
Phineas: “God save me!”(I don’t have any idea what either of them was talking about.)
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Creepy?!
Kids are playing Smash Bros. over the Internet while also chatting over video. Isaac and Ezra are playing with “Me-moji” stickers and animations.
Ezra: “Ooooh! Oooh! I can be Nate!”
Isaac: “Aaaaaaaaaaah! That’s so creepy!” -
Same station
Ezra, in the Harvard metro station: “I like how the T station never changes. Like, that Dunkin Donuts has been closed the whole time and there’s no effort to change it. Everything looks old.”
(I don’t think he meant this sarcastically.)
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The Allegiance of Phin
“I’m going to pledge the Allegiance of Phin…” makes a loud fart-noise
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Down the ramp
Phin: Sally, why don’t you just replace these stairs with a ramp and then grandpa could go downstairs more easily?
Ezra: Because–look–this would be how steep the ramp would be. So grandpa would just zoom down the stairs and crash into the wall.
Phin: bursts into giggles -
Phin on the way home
Phin is home from school. I asked if he saw anything on the way home.
“Yes. A bee! It wasn’t flying around and it wasn’t on a flower, so I picked it up and put it on a flower. Well, first I pet it. I gave it some bee-pets. And I saw an ant and a dog. I got to pet the dog. And I threw a ball for it. Unlike Sophie, it didn’t just run away with the ball.”
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Pokemon
Phineas: “Squirtle?”
Ezra: “No, [inaudible]irle.”
Phineas: “Aquirtle?”
Ezra: “Are you even listening?”
Phines: “…what?”
Ezra: “Nevermind.” -
This is how you remind me of fingernail clippings
Ezra: Mom. Cut my fingernails.
Carrie: OK, but not here.
Ezra: No, cut them here in the bed. It will remind me of you every time they stab you in the back. -
Insalted
Phineas: You attacked me! I’ll sue you!
Ezra: I didn’t attack you. Did I violently assault you?
Phineas: Well, you insulted me.
Ezra: That’s called verbally assaulting. -
Trying to be calm
Ezra and Phineas are building a large, complex LEGO project
Ezra: I’m trying to be calm with you. You’re making it difficult.
Phineas continutes to be wild and disruptive.
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Elvis Parsley
Phineas has donned the persona “Elvis Parsley”
Phineas: … and all my fans have to pay me bribes …
Ezra: If you try to make your fans pay you then you won’t have any fans.
Phineas: Yes I will! I’ll sue them!
Ezra: Why would they be your fans if you sue them?
Phineas: Because they’ll think that if they’re my fans, I won’t sue them again. But then I will sue them again! -
Phin report
Both kids were excited to show their report cards, but Phin is over the moon that he got tons of 4 (“excellent”) marks. He has read the entire report card aloud to us.
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Theoretical score
Ezra, examining his report card: “Theoretically, I think I have the maximum possible score in science. Because I got fours in everything except does homework, but everyone is expected to do homework so you can’t get more than three. Because three is “expected”.
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Don't have to sleep
After lights-out bedtime, kids are still yelling to each other and chortling loudly.
Me: “Ssssssh. It’s bedtime. You have school tomorrow. Get some sleep.”
Ezra, mimicing my tone: “Just because we have school tomorrow doesn’t mean we need to sleep.” -
I'm a destruction guy
Isaac: I’m gonna smash it. I like smashing.
Phineas: Yeah, I’m a destruction guy myself! -
Vote Ron Paul
Sally is considering adding wood to the stove, near where I’ll be sleeping. Ezra is thinking about helping.
Sally: No need to add any wood. We don’t want it to get too hot.
Me: Yeah. You don’t want to kill your parents.
Ezra, puzzled: Who doesn’t want to kill their parents? -
Anything I want
Me: “Are you sure you want to wear slippers to bed?” (They are giant tiger/monster slippers with claws)
Phin, enraged: “I can do anything I want to.“
Me: “You can’t do anything you want to.”
Phin, still enraged: “Well I can do almost anything I want to.” -
Riddle of Bread
Ezra, examining a piece of challah where he disassembled the braids: “Hmmm… The riddle of bread!”
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Kirby Express
Playing “Kirby’s Epic Yarn” together
Ezra (in a funny voice): All aboard the Kirby Express!
Phineas: Kirby Express? Uhhh.. How good is it?
Ezra: We’ve had only a hundred deaths!
Phineas: Yeah… That’s not good! -
Future glasses
Ezra: I think in the future, glasses should fly on tiny rockets in front of your face.
Ezra makes rocket noises. Phineas makes much louder rocket noises.Carrie: I wouldn’t want those glasses.
Me: You could just have regular glasses. They’d be retro.
Phineas: In the future, regular glasses make sounds like an oragutan.
Ezra: No, like a howler monkey.
Phineas: Yeah! But they look and smell like a baboon! -
Ball Dodge
Ezra: “Do you wanna play ‘ball dodge’?”
Apparently, the game is that Phineas jumps on the trampoline while Ezra throws balls at him. Phineas has to avoid stepping on the balls.
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Lights out
Phineas: Can you turn the living room light on?
Carrie: Why?
Phineas: Because I want them on. That’s why.
Carrie: Fine. They’re on.
Phineas: Why did you turn the night-light on?! I didn’t ask for that!
Carrie: I didn’t.
Phineas: Yes you did. Why did you do it?!
Carrie: I did not turn them on.
Phineas: Well if you didn’t, then who did. Someone did!
Ezra: I did.
Phineas: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! TO DRIVE ME CRAZY??
Ezra (giggling): Yeah! Why else would I do it? -
Skillz
Phineas: “It’s not fair. I don’t know which characters are the best and then you always get the O.P. characters and then you kill me.”
Ezra (gently): “It’s not always O.P. there’s sometimes skill involved.” -
Capslock
Phineas, naming his Minecraft sword “ULTIMATE DIAMOND SWORD”: “This is the only use of capslock!”
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Actually infinity
Phineas has called Orion to ask some physics questions, about the beginnings of the Universe. In explaining, Orion mentions Infinity and says it’s hard to think about.
Phineas: “Actually? I have a really easy time thinking about Infinity. Because it’s, like, everything but also nothing.”
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Calling upon the gods
Ezra and Phineas are talking/playing in bed at night.
Ezra: “I call upon the gods to set this stick on fire.”
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Banana farmer
Ezra: “Let’s play D&D: you’re a banana farmer and your job is to put bananas in barrels.”
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Fill this house
Phineas: “I hope you don’t mind, but I’m gonna fill this house with vampires.”
Ezra: “Oh my god.” -
Vampires
Phineas is playing a Minecraft mod where he is a vampire. He is battling with vampire hunters.
“It’s just part of life and death, foul beast.”
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Jumping
Ezra and Phineas are playing some sort of pretend story in bed instead of sleeping.
Ezra, in a high elf-y sort of voice: “My kind invented jumping!”
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Door advice
“Phineas, you should be able to just throw the bathroom door shut.”
– Ezra giving advice on how to use the bathroom faster
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Dressing plans
Ezra and Phineas have some angry shoving near their dresser. Carrie attempts to mediate.
Carrie: “So, do you guys like it when you run into each other getting dressed and keep getting in each others’ way?”
Ezra: “No.“
Phines: “I do!” -
Foods
Ezra makes himself sun-butter and honey sandwiches for school lunch. Today he spotted the pomegranite and asked for some as part of lunch. He likes broccoli with dinner and loves rice. Breakfast is usually yogurt and cereal (cherios or grape nuts). He does not like baked pasta (particularly my version of maccaroni and cheese). When we order food, Ezra always wants Indian so that he can get mango lassi.
Phineas likes the school’s Friday pizza. Other days he packs himself something with protean, like chicken nuggets. He does not like broccoli. He loves tacos, which is pretty much any protien in a tortilla shell. He usually skips breakfast because he’s not hungry when he wakes up. He still enjoys fish skin (medium-crispy). When we order food, Phineas likes Chinese so he can gorge himself on scallion pancakes.
Both kids like artichoke, fish, pasta with meat sauce, steak, vinegary chicken, tacos/burritos, sushi, and are willing to try nearly anything.
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Kind brothers
Sometimes they can be crabby in the morning. But this morning when Phineas went to make himself more toast, Ezra asked for a piece and Phineas made, buttered, and served it to Ezra. Later, when Phineas was struggling to put a new mask on his lanyard, Ezra said, “I can do it for you,” and fixed it for Phineas.
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Shake it
“It doesn’t say ‘shake’. But is also doesn’t say ‘don’t shake’ so… I’m going to shake it.”
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Balancing Act
“Hey Ezra: wouldn’t it be the hardest thing to balance a ball on a hat on a pool noodle and balance the pool noodle on your head?” – Phineas, while preparing to balance a pool noodle, hat, and ball on his head.
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God Jokes
- What does Apollo say when people tease him? “Apollo-guise!”
- Which god do you breath? “Air-es”
- Which god likes animals the most? “Zoo-s”
- Which god sounds like a Minecraft villager? “Hermmmm-ease”
- What god do you use to cook? “Pan”
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Boxing Safety Commission
Ezra and Phineas are chatting at the breakfast table.
Ezra: “Just so you know, you can’t box the crowd.”
Phineas: “Why not?”
Ezra: “You’ve just been fired. The Boxing Safety Commission has fired you for boxing innocent bystanders.” -
Why did you sign us up?
Phineas, in an accusatory tone, “Mom, why did you sign us up for school?”
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The only way home
“The only way home is death.”
(While playing Minecraft with friends.)
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Three pools
Ezra: Hey mom. There’s three types of pools: a wading pool, a pool, and a drowning pool. A drowning pool is when you put the pool cover over the pool when there’s people in it. ‘Cause then it’s just water.
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Package opening
Me: Carrie, you got a package. It’s from Whirlpool?
Carrie: Huh. I didn’t order anything from them.
Ezra: Let’s open it up!
Phineas: Let’s not open it up.
Ezra: Open it!
Phineas: Nope. -
existence is weird
“Existence is weird!”
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Olympic judo
The kids are watching the 2021 summer olympics and Phineas wants to try watching Judo. After watching a few minutes he says, “Judo is basically epic roughousing.”
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Relativity
Phineas calls orion to ask how shaking a magnet can produce electricity
Orion: So, you know the Theory of Relativity?
Phineas: Well… I don’t know Relativity. Because, I am quite young, you know. -
USA Fart
Carrie sends the kids to bed. They say they want to fart instead and she tells them they can do that in the bathroom.
Kids: “OK.”
They rush to the bathroom.
Ezra (at top volume): “Welcome to the U.S.A Fart Facility!”
Both kids dissolve into laughter. -
Stronger than your neck
Phineas: “My butt is stronger than your neck!”
Carrie: “Are you sitting on Ezra’s neck? Don’t do that – that’s not safe.”
Ezra: “He’s not sitting on my neck, he’s sitting on my shoulders. He only thinks he’s sitting on my neck.” -
Unreasonable request
In the other room, the kids sound like they’re having an argument.
Ezra, in a demanding voice: “That’s an unreasonable request?! Give me ten reasons why that’s an unreasonable request!”
Me: “Hey Ezra? I think you’re making an unreasonable request there.”
Phineas: “No, it’s reasonable! I’ll explain it to him!”After that they were too quiet to hear but it actually did sound like Phineas gave ten reasons (I heard Ezra counting) and that Ezra was (mostly?) convinced by his ten points. So I guess that was actually a totally reasonable method of conflict-resolution they were using?
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Your Theory of Relativity is Poop
With much giggling, Ezra and Phineas are disagreeing over whether 60 minus 1 is 59 or 61. Eventually, Ezra says, “well if sixty minus one is fifty-nine, then two minus one is…” And Phineas says, “also fifty-nine!”
Ezra replies, “your theory of relativity is poop.” Both kids continue to giggle.
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Tree Werewolves
I was explaining “endangered” and “extinct” to Phineas. He suggested that “ghosts” were extinct, and I said “no, because ghosts never existed.”
He said they had, and I said there was no evidence.
Phineas: “What about tree werewolves?”
Me: “Those don’t exist either.”
P: “Yes they do.”
Me: “No, because there’s no evidence of them. So we can just assume they don’t exist because it doesn’t matter either way.”
P: “Tree werewolves live inside trees and they’re what makes the leaves fall off the trees.”
Me: “No… we pretty much understand what makes leaves fall off. It’s the changes in light and temperature that signal that winter is coming. You could put a tree inside a lab in the summertime and simulate autumn and its leaves would fall off…“
P: “That just proves tree werewolves. Because how else could it make sense for a tree’s leaves to fall off in the middle of summer?!” -
Cheating at soccer
Ezra is wondering about the rules of soccer. “Is it cheating to touch the ball with your shoulder? Is it cheating to sit on the ball? Is it cheating to bring a bat?”
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Thor
During a storm that included thunder-hail “Come on, Thor! Make lightning!”
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Big Smile
On a hike with Sally: “I cam smile so much, I can see my lips!”
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Jibo
We signed the kids up for an MIT Robotics Lap experiment that turns out to be playing a video game where an animated “Jibo” robot tells you instructions.
Ezra speed-taps past all the instructions and informs the grad student about all the bugs he finds (including that speed-tapping through the instructions causes them to garble). He spends the first level figuring out that the trampoline is an effective item and then uses only the trampoline to quickly solve all the other levels.
Phineas reads all the instructions aloud, interjecting commentary: “‘Hi, I’m Jibo! When you’re playing the game, I might have something to say, so please listen carefully–’ I always listen carefully!” He tries all the items the game suggests, but ultimately finds that trampolines are the best item for each level.
At the end of the game, the grad student asks questions. Ezra is happy to grant that Jibo had “a bunch of good ideas” (though he doesn’t name any). He is pleased to learn that the grad student is also the author of the game and asks her about some technical details. He also talks about how he thinks it’s fun when games have a few visible glitches because they can be funny.
Phineas doesn’t think that Jibo had any ideas because Jibo is not alive. He also points out that he is the one who solved the whole game and Jibo did not really help. (“I’m quite smart!”) He does not have any questions for the researcher.
Both kids suggest that the main game improvement would be for Jibo to do all its talking up front and not interrupt mid-game.
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Speak butt
Ezra: “Do you speak Butt?”
Phineas: “Yup. Fart fart, fart fart fart!” -
Mooshroom management
Phineas is trying to corral Mooshrooms in Minecraft and getting increasingly frustrated by not being able to. He hits one of the mooshrooms in the game.
Ezra: “Don’t hit the mooshrooms.”
Phineas continues to be frustrated and does it again.
Ezra: “Stop. Hitting. The mooshrooms.”
Phineas (near tears): “Stop! Being! Annoyed! It doesn’t help!”
Ezra (very reasonable): “I think not hitting them would help a little.” -
Elijah's ghost
“We opened the door for Elijah, but because we closed the doors afterwards Elijah’s ghost is still in here! So, now we can find out who is Elijah.”
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It's funny how big the Sun is
Phineas called Orion to ask what happens when two black holes collide. The discussion has wandered into other topics that Phineas wonders about: why does his compass needle not turn when he twists it? How long would it take to go around the solar system? What is a lightning bolt made of (besides light and energy)?
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At bedtime
At bedtime, Ezra asks, “when long underwear was more popular, was there also short underwear?”
“Yes,” I said.
“What’s the point of long underwear?”
(“It keeps you warmer,” I said.)
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Goodbye
Phineas: “Ezra, you wanna know what I’m going to do with this stone?”
Ezra: “Yeah.”
Phineas: “Goodbye forever, stone! I threw it into the ocean.” -
Time for war
E&P playing a game.
Ezra: “Time for WAR!“
Phineas: “I don’t want war. I want peace, dude.” -
Pants
Phineas falls down while listening to a story Ezra is telling.
Carrie: “Are you OK?!”
Phienas: “Yeah.”
Carrie: “What happened?”
Phineas: “Pants.” -
Liar
Ezra: “Liar! Liar!”
Phineas: (In a deeply sarcastic voice) “OK, I guess I’m the only one who lies down and says er.”
Phineas: “Err! Err! ERR! ERR! ERR! ERR! ERR!” -
Suing you
“Guess what? I’m suing you for suing me! Let’s go to sue-court in the living room!”
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Funerals
In minecraft, one of their pets died. Ezra and Phineas built an elaborate memorial.
Ezra: “A funeral is when you celebrate someone’s death.”
Several minutes later:
Phineas: “What’s that thing? When someone dies?”
Ezra: “A funeral?”
Phineas: “Yeah. Let’s go back to the funeral home.” -
Monopoly
Sally is explaining to Ezra and Phineas about Monopoly. Phineas thought the thimble was a trash can, so she’s explaining what a thimble is.
Phineas: “Well, I’m not playing as any of these.” (Sweeping his hand dramatically over the board.) “I’m playing as… The Wither!” (Pulls out his Minecraft Wither figurine)
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Want anything?
Ezra has built a barricade out of boxes and chairs covered with a blanket. It’s blocking the hallway.
Phineas has decided that this is a storefront for their store “Fondant Baby”.
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I have to talk loudly
Ezra has a new pair of headphones.
Ezra (at deafening volume): <div style="font-size:18px">THE ONE THING ABOUT THESE HEADPHONES IS: I HAVE TO TALK REALLY LOUDLY TO HEAR MYSELF.</div>
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Phineas and Simon and Garfunkel
Phineas has been listening to some Simon and Garfunkel (“Greatest Hits”).
He likes to ask for the name of the song when it’s “For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her”. He often requests “I am a Rock” and “The Boxer”.
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May you
Phineas is testing out some polite asking, but doesn’t have the syntax quite right. He’ll as things like “May you get a glass down for me? Question-mark?” (He also says “question-mark” out loud when he feels I’m not responding fast enough.)
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Age of Minecraft
Ezra: “When was Minecraft created?”
Carrie: “I don’t know.”
Phineas, supremely confident: “In the nineteen-eighties.” -
A ton of dogs
Phineas, talking to his school class: “At my grandparents? They had a ton of dogs. But now there’s only one, named Sophie, because all the others died.”
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Bathroom priority
Ezra: “OK, I’m going to use the bathroom now. ‘Cause it’s more important that I don’t pee in my pants than that I get food right now.”
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Tickle punishment
Phineas, to Ezra: “You’ll have to punish me….. by TICKLING MEEEEE!!!!!!”
Ezra tickled him, to Phineas’ great delight.
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Lesson learned
Ezra: “Well. Lesson learned: you can’t kick balls up stairs.”
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How do you not know?
Phineas has been nagging Ezra about knowing something. I can’t tell what, probably Minecraft-related.
Phineas: “How do you not know (inaudible)?”
Ezra: “How do you not know your butt?”
Phineas (enraged): “I do know my butt!” -
Rock Paper Scissors
The kids are trying to decide who will get a particular cup. (Ezra already has the cup, but Phineas really wants it and Ezra is indulging him.)
Ezra: “How about if we do Rock-Paper-Scissors-Shoot for it?”
Phineas: “Yeah!”
Both, in unison: “Rock-paper-scissors-shoot, any-thing-you-wanna-do…“
At the same time: (Ezra) “Invisibility!” (Phineas) “Shield!”They realize that neither of them has won.
Ezra: “OK, let’s try that again.”
In unison: “Rock-paper-scissors-shoot, any-thing-you-wanna-do…“
At the same time: (Ezra) “Invisibiliy!” (Phineas) “Shield!” -
Paying attention
Phineas and Ezra are playing Minecraft. They have created hundreds of cats, who are all meowing.
Me: “Mow. Mrow!”
No reaction from Phienas.
Me: “Phineas, are you paying attention to my meowing?”
Phineas: “What?”
Me: “I asked if you were paying attention to my meowing.”
Phineas: “Uhhhh… What?”
Ezra: “HE SAID ‘ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO MY MEOWING’.”
Phineas (to himself): “One emerald…“
Phineas: “Oh. Yeah, I was paying attention.” -
On saliva
Me: “Would you like more milk? Peanut butter is sticky and marshmallow fluff is stickey so drinking some milk or water can help keep your mouth from sticking.”
Phineas: “Did you know that your mouth can make a kind liquid? So actually there’s already liquid in your mouth and then if you have milk or water then it’s too much liquid?”
Ezra (archly): “Actually, it’s called ‘saliva’.” -
Fluffernutter appreciation
I’ve given the boys fluffernutter sandwiches, which they’ve never had before.
Phineas: “Even though the fluffer-nutter isn’t made out of white bread, I still love it. I even love it so much that I eat the crusts! Which I don’t normally do!”
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My Name Is
Ezra, in a pretend-character voice: “My name is Ezra”
Phineas, also in a pretend voice: “My name is P-H-I-N-E-A-S. That spells ‘Whoopee Cushion’.”Both kids dissolve into laughter.
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I am a illusionist
Phineas, enunciating very slowly and carefully: “This is a fake me. Because I am a illusionist. Now this is the real me. Then: I am invincible and I am a wizard!”
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Halfway to adult
Ezra says confidently to Phineas: “In one year, I will be halfway to being an adult.”
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Entertainment
On learning a new Minecraft feature (Jigsaw blocks): “This will keep us entertained forever!”
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Mental math
Ezra: “Hey, Nate, twenty tens is 200, right?”
Phineas: “Yes. Because ten tens is 100, so twenty tens is 200.” -
Cup Birthdays
Phineas: “Mamma? In real life, why don’t cups have birthdays?”
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Nuclear explosions
Phineas is playing Minecraft.
Phineas: “Wanna know how to make the nucli-est explosion?”
Me: “Yes”
Phineas: “You make a beacon-shape out of TNT and that’s like the BIGGEST NUCLEAR EXPLOSION!” -
Minecraft time
Ezra and Phineas are playing Minecraft (where, at night, monsters appear).
Ezra: “The time! The time!”
Ezra: “Phineas! Look at your clock! The time!”
Phineas (very relaxed): “Oh yeah. Yeah, I’m running for my life.”
Ezra: “AAAAAAAAH!” -
I think...
Carrie: “Today, kids are going to clean up the toys in the playroom and sweep the floor.”
Phineas (amazingly sassy tone): “Two things? Then I think that I am not going to help!” -
I know why the cat left
“I know why the cat left. It only came for food, and it ate all the food.”
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Old MacDonald
Ezra (very loud): “Old MacDonald had a farm! E I E I”
Phineas: “Pooooop”
Ezra (at the same time): “Buuuuutt”Phineas, brightly: “Oh! I was singing ‘E I E I poop’. But it’s ‘E I E I butt’? Nicely done!”
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Left Forever
“It was a kid who was in my rock-climbing class until I left forever. Well… basically forever.”
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Who woke you?
Carrie is napping and Phineas keeps waking her.
Carrie: “I’m feeling kind of grumpy, because someone woke me up in the middle of the night.”
Phineas (mystified): “Wait, who woke you?”
Carrie: “You!”
Phineas: “Ohhhhhh…” -
Hiccups
Phineas is hiccuping and bouncing while talking.
Phineas: “Wanna {hic} wanna {hic} know something weird? {hic} Last night {hic}, Ezra was hiccuping. And {hic} tomorrow night {hic} I’m hiccuping. And right {hic} now, Ezra’s hiccuping.”
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Eating brownies
We’d made brownies and I told the kids they could eat some more for breakfast when they woke up.
I hear them in the other room, awake and planning to eat brownies.
Phineas: “And, since we’re the only ones up, we can wipe our hands on our shirts and pants!”
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The Good Side
Phineas: “Which side’s the good one? Because I’m on that one.”
Ezra: “Blue.” -
Annoying Bot
Ezra: “Do you wanna make an annoying bot? Like, all it does is annoy people.”
Phineas: “Yeah…” -
Best House
The kids are playing Minecraft together. Phineas is upset that Ezra has damaged his house, even though he put a sign that said “pbh”.
Phineas: “Phineas’ best house is better than Phineas’ house!”
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Video Conferencing
Ezra’s class is doing a video-chat. It’s difficult to allow everyone to speak and not have any microphone problems…
Ezra: “Is someone stepping on cereal or something?!”
(He had to repeat himself, because he was muted the first time he said it.)
-
The Danger of Chickens
Ezra: “Chickens are the most dangerous enemy!”
Phineas: “Why are chickens the most dangerous enemy?”
Ezra: “Because they lay eggs that make MORE CHICKENS!”
-
Cool Fact
“Wanna know a cool fact about killing animals by brain?”
-
Kosher for Passover
Phineas: “Is a potato kosher for Passover?”
Me: “Yes”
Phineas: “Then anything with ‘potato’ in it is kosher for Passover!”
Me: “Yes.”
Phineas: “Is a potato eye kosher for Passover?”
Me: “Yes.”
Phineas: “Is a potato arm kosher for Passover?”
Me: “Yes.”
Phineas: “Is a potato ear kosher for Passover?”
Me: “Yes.”
Phineas: “Is potato hair kosher for Passover?”
Me: “Yes.”
Phineas (Getting excited): “Is a potato butt kosher for Passover?”
Me: “Yes.”
Phineas: “Are BUTTS kosher for Passover?!“
Carrie: “Hmm. I think that would depend on which rabbi you asked…“
Ezra: “Which rabbi would say that a butt was kosher for Passover?”
Phineas (without any hesitation): “A butt rabbi!” -
Ezra on ESC
“It’s one of my favorite things: it’s kind of a joke, like, you escape the game!”
-
See your butt
Ezra, singing: “Raise your hand if you see / you–re bu–utt! Raise your hand if you see / you–re bu–utt! …”
Phineas checks behind himself, then raises his hand. -
Spelling Rules
Ezra: “Read this.” (handing Phineas a sign he’s written)
Phineas: “What does it say?”
Ezra: “It says ‘eat poop’.”
Phineas: “No, it says ‘et poop’. The ‘a’ makes an ‘eh’ sound: ‘eh… eh’.”
Ezra: “No, it’s a rule-breaker.”
Ezra: “‘When two vowels go walking, the first one does the talking’“
Phineas: “Oh yeah. OK!”(The sign did indeed read “eat poop”, correctly spelled.)
-
First Bike of Spring
Kids are dragging their bikes out of the basement storage. Phineas has a pedalless bike that weighs maybe a couple pounds.
“Oh! I’m getting so much exercise by lifting this bike!”
-
Fart Slug
fart noises “What? I’m a fart slug!”
continued farting noises “Wanna know how I’m farting so much? I’m farting, and then the fart’s farting, and then that fart’s farting, and then that fart’s farting!”
-
Five foot lion
Phineas: “Did you know that the mayor came to my class? And he asked us to think of things that would make people happy, everywhere in the world, but that don’t exist yet. And to send them to him.”
Phineas can’t remember what he suggested. Someone else in his class suggested massage chairs in hotels, but (Phineas says) they already have those.
Ezra: “How about a Lion with five feet?”
Phineas: “But, you can’t build that.”
Ezra: “Then how about a lion with zero feet?”
Phineas: “But, you can’t build that, either.”
Ezra: “Yes you can: take a lion and chop off all its feet!”
Phineas: “But then it would die. Because nothing can be alive with no feet.”
Ezra: “Yes there can. Lots of people are alive who don’t have a foot.”
Phineas: “How would they not have a foot?”
Ezra: “Well… One way I know is if a whale bites it off while fishing.”
Phineas: “Oh yeah! Like Moby Dick!” -
Ezra RPG
The kids are playing some kind of RPG that Ezra is making up. (I can tell it’s an RPG because there is a lot more discussion of the rules than there is actual playing.)
Ezra: “OK, now you have to choose if you want to fight this guy.”
Phineas: “Yeah, I do. Wait, what’s his name again?”
Ezra: “Umm. I forget. It doesn’t matter anyway: you defeat him!”(Example of rules: “Because he’s made of fire, if a character attacks down while he’s already attacked then it makes a spike of fire. No, not the cow – no it has to be a player. No, you have to attack down or it doesn’t work. Why are you setting your cow on fire? Oh, come back here. Zzzzzzzzzt! You’re supposed to be paying attention. Come on, you’re not even on the playing board!”)
-
Fitbutt
Phineas: “I want a Fitbit for my butt!”
Ezra: “Your butt can’t take steps.”
Phineas: “My butt can!” -
Ice Scream
Ezra: Do you want some ice cream?
Phineas: Yes
Ezra: OK, here’s some ice scream!Both kids simultainiously scream at the tops of their lungs
-
Belly Buttons
Phineas: “My eyes are belly-buttons, my ears are belly-buttons. My hair is made of long, thin, belly-buttons…“
Ezra: “So your whole body is made of belly-buttons?”
Phineas: “Yeah. (giggling) I’m nothing but belly-buttons!” -
Striking Back
Kids are taking a bath. Phineas is making a siren noise and Ezra is droning “heeeelp, heeelp” for what seems like hours. Eventually, Phineas shouts, “The Empire is striking back!”
-
I Want Nothing
Me: “Phineas, would you like some lunch?”
Phineas: “No.”
Me: “Maybe some chicken? Or ham?”
Phineas: “No.”
Me: “Or cheese?”
Phineas: “No. Whatever you say, I’ll say ‘no’.”
Me: “Cookies?”
Phineas slowly turns and looks me directly in the eyes: “No.” -
Stabbing
Phineas is jabbing his brother in the side with a plastic Harry Potter wand.
Phineas: “Ultimate stabbing! Ultimate stabbing! Ultimate stabbing!”
Ezra does not react.
-
Presidential Race
Carrie: “Kamela Harris just dropped out of the presidential race. Not enough money.”
Ezra: “What’s the ‘presidential race’?”
Me: “What do you think? Based on the name?”
Ezra: “A race between presidents? To see who will win and become the Ultimate President?” -
Holidays
Phineas: Is it a school day?
Me: No. Normally it would be, but today is a holiday.
Phineas: Ooooh. So today there’s no school?
Me: Right.
Phineas: So, every holiday, we do nothing but play video games? -
Dark Vader and the Deaf Star
Ezra got a “Star Wars” lego toy at a party and it’s Darth Vader’s sleep chamber or something. Ezra and Phineas have a lot of questions about Darth Vader, who Phineas calls “Dark Vader” and the Death Star, which they pronounce “Deaf Star”.
Ezra: “Why is it called the Deaf Star? Do you look at it and die?”
Carrie: “It shoots a really big laser to blow up planets.”
Ezra: “How is that helpful?” -
Holy Grail
Phineas has been playing “Lego Indiana Jones” and there are various artifacts based on the different movies.
Phineas: “This is the Holy Grail. It’s called to Holy Grail because you hold it.”
-
Cool submarine
They are playing Lego Indiana Jones and there’s a level with a submarine
Phineas: “That submarine looks cool.”
Ezra: “I believe that’s because the submarine is cool.” -
Spelling
Phineas: “How do you spell bathroom?”
Ezra: “Bathroom is ‘A, B, C, DEFGHIJKLMNOPQR–“
Phineas: “Hey! That’s not ‘bathroom’! That’s the alphabet!” -
Bunkbed explanation
Phineas is video-chatting with Kaylyn while lying on his bed.
Kaylyn: “What are those slats I see?”
Phineas: “Oh, these wooden slats? These are my bunk bed.” (In a grouchy-voice) “‘No jumping on the bed! You’re gonna break the wood slats!’ Soooo, we can’t jump on it.” -
Christmas Creche
Ezra, looking at a creche: “What’s this?”
Carrie: “It’s called a ‘creche’“
Ezra: “It looks like they’re all looking at a baby.”
Ezra: “Are the ones with circles on their heads all fairies?” -
Want to Play Kirby?
The kids have just gotten over a nasty couple of days of illness
Phineas: “Hey Ezra: want to play Kirby?”
Ezra: “Aways!“
Ezra: “Unless I’m feeling sick.”
Ezra: “Which I’m not! I feel great!”
Phineas: “Alright! Let’s play Kirby!” -
Like Peeing
“Throwing up is just like peeing. Except, it comes out of your mouth instead of out of your penis.”
-
Octamus
“This is Octamus Crime. He is the leader of the good robots.”
-
Part of The Conversation
Carrie and I had been discussing a replacement for the kids’ CD-player, which died.
Me: “So, we could get a Sonos for them. It’s $200 –“
Ezra: “I WANT A SONOS!”
Me: “You are not part of this conversation yet.”
Phineas: “But I am!”
Me: “No, you are not.”
Ezra: “Why are we not part of this conversation?”
Me: “Because it hasn’t reached the kids’ phase of the discussion.”
Ezra: “When will it reach the kids’ phase of the discussion?”
Carrie: “Never, if you keep interrupting…”The kids return to making loud hooting noises.
-
Magic Tomatoes
Carrie: “Where did the tomatoes go?”
Phineas: “A magician never tells!”
-
Cooled
Me (trying to get the kids into the bathtub): “Please get into the tub. Sit down. Cool your bodies off.”
Phineas: “My body is already cool.”
Me: “I doubt that.”
Phineas: “Yeah. Because my body is cooled by the sun.” -
You have a husband
Carrie: “Please put your clothes in the laundry basket.”
Ezra: “You have a husband.”
Carrie: “Yyyyeeeees? So?”
Ezra: “You could get your huband to put them in the laundry basket.”
Carrie: “I could. Or I could get my children to do it. Please put your clothes away.” -
Bargaining
Ezra is eating raisins on the beach, but doesn’t want to touch them himself. I feed him a couple and then tell him he’s on his own.
Ezra: “Phineas, will you feed me?”
Phineas: “No.”
Ezra: “I’ll give you a dollar to feed me.”
Phineas: “No.”
Ezra: “Two dollars?”
Phineas: “No.”
Ezra: “Three dollars? Four dollars? Five dollars?”
Phineas: “I will do it only for ten dollars.”
Ezra: “How about eight dollars and ninety-nine cents? That’s only one penny away from ten dollars. Because there’s one hundred cents in one dollar.”
Phineas: “How about ten cents?”
Ezra: “No, that’s very far from one dollar. One dollar is one hundred cents?”
Phineas: “Then I want one hundred cents.”
Ezra: “And then you will feed me?”
Phineas: “Yes.”
Ezra: “Okay!” -
Future LEO
Phineas: “The bad guy saids he did not take my keys.”
Ezra: “Hm. That’s suspicious.” -
The Dutch
“I remember when you went to the Netherlands. It was full of lavar and monsters.”
(Eventually, I realized he was talking about “The Nether”, a part of the video game Minecraft.)
-
Warm Brain
“My brain is not cold. Because my head is a hat for my brain!”
-
Not Much Coffee Man
Phineas has been liking coffee-flavored things (mostly candy). Ezra wants to know why kids aren’t allowed to drink tons of coffee.
Me: “Well, coffee contains caffine which is a drug, like medicine. And we have to be careful because these things are usually designed for adult-sized bodies and putting the wrong ammount in a kid-sized body could be dangerous.”
Ezra: “Because we would die?”
Me: “No, probably not. But you could get really bad stomach cramps. That would hurt. Also, growing bodies react differently to some drugs and if you drank coffee a lot that might be bad. But a little bit is fine.”
Ezra: “Yeah. Because Phineas likes coffee.”
Phineas: “Yeah! Because I am a coffee-man who does not drink very much coffee!” -
On a Pirate Ship
The kids a playing “pirate ship”.
Ezra: “Man the cannon! The enemy is upon us!!”
(later)
Phineas: “Phhhhhhhhh! Nate, you’re on fire!”
Me: “Hm. That doesn’t seem very nice.”
Phineas: “That’s because… WE’RE PIRATES!!!! Aaarrgh!”Then they both shouted “aargh” at me a lot.
-
Achievements
“This is the old achievement box. Let’s break into it to see what’s been achieved.”
-
Three-Card Monty
Ezra has two white cups and two identical electric-blue superballs.
Ezra: “I’m going to mix these up, and you’re going to find which one is where.”
He mixes for a while. He lifts up one cup, takes the ball, and pulls it up his sleeve. He cranes his head around to look at this, then (reluctantly) puts the ball back under the cup. He mixes the cups more.
Ezra: “OK. Now where’s the ball?”
Carrie: “There.” (Points at one of the two cups with a ball under it.)
Ezra (archly): “But which ball is under it?”
Carrie: “I don’t know. The look exactly the same!”
Me: “The left ball.”
Ezra: “The left ball?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Ezra: “Nope! That’s wrong! I was paying attention.”Later, using three cups and three corks:
Ezra: “OK. This is really hard. So I’ll make it easier for you: I’ll tell you the most obvious one, and you tell me if that’s the right one or if I’m trying to trick you.”Still later with three corks, the rules are that Carrie must close her eyes and cannot look at any time; neither during the shuffle nor at the end when she’s trying to pick.
Ezra: “You tell me which cup you want to pick, and I’ll look under it.”
Carrie: “Uhhh, the right one.”
Ezra: “Which one’s the right one? Can you point to it?”
Carrie: “No, because my eyes are closed. I don’t know where it is.”
Ezra: “OK, I’ll look under this cup for you. Is this the cork you want?”
Carrie: “I can’t see anything. I don’t know which cork that is. Sure?”
Ezra: “Nope! You picked the wrong cork!” -
Loose Teeth
Ezra: “I have a tooth that’s getting pretty loose!”
Phineas: “My teeth are tightening up!” -
The Legend of Boppy Goose
“When I was a baby I called myself ‘Boppy Goose’. And then a goose flew at me and I bopped it. And that was why I was called myself ‘Boppy Goose’.”
-
Between one and ten
Carrie: “I’m thinking of a number between one and ten.”
Ezra: “Ten!”
Phineas: (thinks for a while) “Ten!”
Phineas: “We both pick ten. Two tens!” -
Green Monkey Blanket
Phineas (cheerfully): “Hey! This is my green monkey blanket! I sleep under it when I’m crying because Ezra won’t share that.” (Pointing to another little blanket)
-
Colors
Ezra: “I call this color ‘grey’.”
Me: “Well, you are mistaken because that color is brown.”
Ezra: “What color do you call ‘grey’?”
Me: “I call grey ‘grey’, but that color is brown.” -
Foot to the Eye
Phineas (annoyed): “Ezra, you put your foot in my eye!”
Ezra: “No I didn’t. I didn’t feel your eye on my foot.”
Phineas: “Yes you did!”
Ezra: “If you had had a foot in your eye, you’d be in tears by now. So I don’t think that’s what happened.” -
Hideout
Ezra and Phineas are playing in a forest playground at Fresh Pond.
Ezra: “This is our hideout.”
Phineas: “No. I call this a pirate ship.”
Ezra: “Well… this is a hideout in a pirate ship.” -
The Trick
Phineas: “Where’s it? One-two-three-four-five?”
Ezra (deadpan): “It’s in this hand.”
Phineas: “Yeah! You got it!”
Ezra: “The trick is to not tell me which hand it’s in.”
Phineas: “Where’s it? One-two-three-four-five?”
Ezra (deadpan): “Now it’s in this hand.”
Phineas: “Yay! You got it!”
Ezra: “This trick is to not open your hand. That makes it too easy, Phineas.” -
Snake Can Help
Phineas: “Ezra, can the snake help?”
Ezra: “No. Because this is really hard.”
Phineas: “Ezra: but the snake can do really hard things.”
Phineas: “So… the snake can help!” -
Not Always About You
Phineas is feeling sad. Carrie hold him as he finishes crying.
Phineas: (inaudible)
Carrie: What was that?
Ezra runs through the room making engine noises, drowning out whatever Phineas is saying. Me: “Ezra…“
Phineas starts to become enraged at Ezra
Carrie: “No, no, Phineas. Don’t worry about Ezra. He’s doing his own thing. Not everything is about Phineas.”
Phineas (in tears): “Everything is about Ezra?” -
What is Art?
Ezra: “What is that?”
Phienas: “I made it in art class.”
Ezra: “Yeah, but what is it?”
Phineas: “I donno.”
Ezra: “But you made it!” -
Booty Find-and-Seek
Ezra has created a “booty find and seek” for Phineas. Tons of post-it notes with “butts” drawn on them. all over the apartment.
Also, when he saw me writing this post, Ezra yelled “BOOTY PICTURE!” and fell down.
-
Fractional Math
Me: “We need 9 half-cups of flour”
Ezra: “What’s half of nine?”
Me: “Four and a half.”
Ezra: “Then why don’t we put in four cups and then one half-cup?” -
Until 11
Ezra, unhappy about how long the iPad is taking to charge: “I’m not going to say anything but bathroom words until 11 o’clock.”
-
Siting in the Front Seat
Ezra: “Since Carrie’s not here, can I sit next to the driver?”
-
Dinner without Carrie
When I was little and one of my parents had to go out of town, we’d eat foods and do things that the missing parent wouldn’t enjoy. So that turned it from sad into a bit of a fun treat.
Carrie was going out of town, so I asked Ezra if he could think of a dinner that the rest of us liked but Carrie didn’t. He suggested “seafood”. He wanted shrimp (Carrie doesn’t like shrimp, but Ezra has liked it in the past) and a whole fish, with the head still on it.
“Carrie thinks that’s creepy, because it’s like it’s looking at her. But I don’t think it’s creepy because I know that if I move, the eyes won’t follow me, because the fish isn’t alive, so it can’t move its eyes.”
We had a handful of shrimp which were “yummy”, and a baked whole branzino. The fishmonger (New Deal) scaled and cleaned the fish while we watched. Ezra was hesitant about all the fish blood, but enjoyed being able to see where the fish-meat was coming from. He felt that the meat near the tail tasted the best.
-
Some of the kids' favorite foods right now
Ezra:
- “Favorite breakfast”: plain yogurt, grape nuts cereal, a little maple syrup
- Apples (especially Granny Smith)
- Carrots
- Egg salad sandwich (he makes it himself)
- Meatball sub, served at his school
Phineas:
- Toaster waffles
- Meat
- Cherry tomatoes
- “Tokyo 3000 Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich” (you have to say the whole thing): a PB&J with cheese floating over it on toothpicks
-
Gift Shop
Ezra: “Stop giving me things! What is this, the gift shop?!”
-
BNN breaking news
Ezra: “We’re having a show about dead dinosaurs.”
Phineas: “Yeah. Dead dinosaurs. Mamma, this a show about dead dinosaurs.”
Carrie: “Oh? You’re having a show about dead dinosaurs?”
Ezra: “Yeah. That’s the theme.” -
Butt News Network
Ezra (announcer voice): “It’s almost time for the Butt News Network!”
Phineas: “Here my ice cream truck. We are celebrating the Butt News Network.”
Ezra: “You set up on that side, I’ll set up on this side. You’re in charge of making sure things run. We’re setting up for the show on the Butt News Network.” -
Mayonnaise luck
“When I get to the center, that’s when I’ll have the most mayonnaise luck.”
– Ezra, eating a cheese-and-mayonnaise sandwich that he made all by himself
-
Loud beeping
Ezra: “BEEEEEEP! BEEEEEP! BEEEEP!”
Ezra: “I make loud no beeping whenever you say something!”
Carrie (to me): “I love him, but…“
Ezra: “DID YOU SAY YOU LOVE MY BUTT?”
Carrie (sarcastically): “Yeah, that’s what I said.”
Ezra: “HA HA! Phineas, she said she loves my butt!”
Phineas: “Ewwww, butt!” -
TYOOL
(Eating goat cheese)
“Mmm! We haven’t had goat cheese in a long time. I think it was two thousand and seventeen when we last had it. That’s why I really wanted you to get this cheese: because I hadn’t tasted goat cheese since two thousand and seventeen and I really like it.”
-
Live Without Playing
Ezra wakes up at 6:00 sharp and comes in to our bedroom to say “anyone who wants to get up can get up now!” I get up and follow him. He goes to the living room couch and lies down under a blanket. He lies there with his eyes wide open for 10 minutes. Then sits up:
“Hey, Nate: Today’s the only day that I can lay on the couch in the morning. On all the other days, I have something that I have to do. Today I only have things that I can do. Like play. I could live without playing.”
-
Some questions about eyes from Phineas
“Why eyes go ‘blink-blink-blink’?”
“Why our eyes not want to be dry?”
“If our eyes is dried out then they is scratchy?”
“Why our eyes stay in our heads?”
“A bad guy is… If our eyes not stay in our heads, then they roll across the floor, and then a bad guy chase after them. That why he a bad guy.”
-
When I Say Jump
Ezra is playing “Kirby’s Epic Yarn” while Phineas watches.
Phineas: “Jump!”
Ezra: “I know”
Phineas: “Jump!”
Ezra falls into the water hazard
Phineas: “Ezra, when I say ‘jump’, then you jump!” -
Salem averted
Phineas (playful): “Aaaah! A ghost!”
Carrie: “Oh! Are there ghosts in this house?”
Phineas: “Yeah!”
Carrie: “Are they friendly ghosts?”
Phineas (devilish): “No, they bad ghosts!”
Carrie: “Oh, should we call the Ghostbusters? And get rid of them?”
Phineas (worried): “No, they just pretending to be ghosts.” -
A big toilet
Phineas, seeing an old toddler-potty: “That my old toilet, from what I was a baby. Now I a big kid and so I live in a big toilet.”
Ezra: “You don’t live in a toilet.”
Phineas: “But I poop in a toilet.” -
Saliva
“My body makes saliva all summer. Then, when it’s winter, I take it into my mouth and warm it up.”
-
Maybe it Was Rats
In the early morning, Ezra and Vivian go to play with toys.
Vivian: “Why is there such a mess here?”
Ezra: “Maybe rats were playing here last night!”
Vivian: “But the door was locked, so they couldn’t get in.”
Ezra: “Rats can get in lots of places. Like a hole in the wall.”
Vivian: “Well, there aren’t any holes in the wall.”
Ezra: “Well they could come in through other openings. Like, they could jump in through a window.”
Vivian: “Or they might have been in the house already.”
Ezra: “Yeah! They could have come out of grandpa’s boot at night!”
Vivian: “Yeah!”
Ezra: “Or from out of your nose!”
Vivian: (after squeezing her nose) “No. I can feel that there’s nothing in my nose.” -
Just the letter I
Phineas is in the bath tub, Ezra is getting undressed outside the tub.
Phineas: “Hey, Nate, we need bath toys!”
Ezra: “It’s just ‘I’” (taps his chest) “Because I do not need bath toys right now. It’s just you, so you use the letter ‘I’.” -
Darning logic
Ezra: “When are you going to darn these socks?”
Carrie: “I don’t know.”
Ezra: “Are you going to do it today?”
Carrie: “No.”
Ezra: “What about tomorrow?”
Carrie: “No.”
Ezra: “Then when?”
Carrie: “I don’t know, Ezra. I have more important things to do than darning socks.”
Ezra: “Like what?”
Carrie: “I don’t know. Like everything. Darning socks is the least important thing I have to do.”
Ezra: “Does that mean that everything is more important than darning socks?”
Carrie: “Yes.”
Ezra: “Does that mean that darning socks is more important than darning socks?” -
Sock adventure
Phineas finds a new package of my socks: “Nate, why you not wearing your socks?”
Me: “I just didn’t put any on. Should I put them on?”
Phineas: “Yeah.”
Me: “Can you help me put them on?”
Phineas: “Okay.”Phineas starts to open the package, then stops. “We need the compass. Where the compass, Nate?”
We search all over the house and eventually find the compass.
“The compass says ‘we need the pocket knife!’” Phineas follows the compass to Ezra’s pocket knife and brings it over to me. “You use the pocket knife. Open here and here and here and here.”
I open the sock package and Phineas directs me to put on a pair of socks.
“So, the compass… we don’t need the pocket knife now.” Phineas puts Ezra’s knife away. “And, the compass say, ‘put away the socks!’” Phineas puts away the remaining socks.
-
Fast balls
Ezra is playing with a penguin that shoots foam balls.
“I’m making the balls go incredibly dangerously fast.”
-
Who did you see?
Phineas’ speech teacher is Cleona.
Carrie: “Did you see Cleona today?”
Phineas: “Yes.”
Phineas: “And I didn’t see Cleona today.”
Phineas: “And I did see Cleona today.” -
I am a person
Ezra: “You are a little youth”
Phineas: “No!”
Ezra: “You are a kid!”
Phineas: “Nooooo!”
Ezra: “Yes you are. Are you a little kid?”
Phineas (sounding unhappy): “Yes. But I am a person.” -
Ezra and Phineas video
Ezra, shouting: “This is the Ezra and Phineas video! There are two Ezra and Phineas videos! Hey! Why am I in both of them?!”
-
Things that Ezra is good at
(Self-reported)
- Singing
- Helping Carrie
- Running
- Listening
- Being careful
-
Mom
Phineas (running after Ezra and yelling): “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!”
Carrie: “Why are you yelling ‘mom’ at Ezra? Ezra’s not your mom.”
Phineas: “Ezra-mom! Ezra-mom! Ezra-mom! Ezra-mom!” -
Closer to Midnight
“As it gets closer to midnight, my eyes start to glow a little bit.”
-
So Hot
Me: “Ezra, is your pizza cool enough now?”
Ezra: “It’s so hot, when I touched it my finger boiled.” -
My leg, too
Background: Ezra fell and scraped his knee. Both boys went to a magic show where Ezra was up on stage and was given a trick wand. Phineas fell and scraped his knee (barely).
Phineas: “Hi, Gus!” (our neighbor)
Gus: “Hi! How’d you like the magic show? Ezra, you were the star of it, right? When he gave you that wand?”
Ezra (excited): “Uh huh. He didn’t know that the wand was made to break like that! And it kept breaking!”
Gus: “I know! I kept thinking it wasn’t going to break and then it did.”
Phineas (cheerful): “Yeah! And now my leg is broken!” -
Going home
We’re out for a bike ride.
Phineas: “Nate, I hungry.”
Me: “Want to go home and eat?”
Phineas: “No. Nate, I tired.”
Me: “Want to go home and lie down?”
Phineas: “No. Nate, I need to drink water.”
Me: “Want to go home and get some water?”
Phineas: “Yes.” -
I need to wake up
Phineas comes out of the bedroom where he’s supposed to be napping.
Carrie: “Yes?”
Phineas: “Carrie, I feel happy!”
Carrie: “I’m glad you feel happy. You still need to take a nap.”
Phineas: “Carrie, I no need to take a nap. I need to wake up.”
Carrie: “No, you need to take a nap.”
Phineas: “No I need wake up!” -
Do I Look Happy?
(Taking a bath)
Ezra: “Do not throw water at me!”
Phineas splashes water.
Ezra: “I told you not to throw water at me! Do I look happy?!”
Phineas: “Yeah.”
Ezra: “You’re not paying attention!!” -
Strawberry with Ketchup
Ezra says he wants to try dipping his strawberry into some ketchup.
“It tastes like a strawberry with hotdog skin on it, dipped in ketchup.”
“…I like it!!”
-
Not too cold
Phineas is hugging himself and shivering.
Carrie: “Phineas, would you like a sweater?”
Phineas: “No, I no like a sweater.”
Phineas: “Carrie: I say ‘No!’“
Carrie: “I heard you. But you look very cold…“
Phineas (hugging himself tighter): “Carrie: I warm.”
Phineas: “I not too cold.”
Phineas: “Carrie, I want hug.”
Carrie: “You want to snuggle to get warm?”
Phineas: “Yah.”
Carrie: “…because you’re cold?”
Phineas: “Yah–No. Carrie I need hug.”Phineas got warm hugs.
-
Too cold
Phineas: “Carrie, I too cold.”
Carrie: “Do you want a sweatshirt?”
Phineas: “Carrie, I too cold in my robot shirt!”
Carrie: “OK, how about a sweatshirt?”
Phineas (starting to cry): “Carrie I too cold!”
Carrie: “Here’s a sweatshirt. Let’s put it on.”
Phineas (in tears): “I no like sweatshirt!” -
Nate-ive
It’s bedtime.
Phineas: “I want Carrie!”
Me: “No. You guys have done all your Carrie-ing for the day. Now it’s time for bed.”
Ezra: “Yeah, now we have to do the rest of our Nate-ing!”Ezra thinks a bit.
Ezra: “‘Nate-ing’ and ‘Native Americans’ are easy to mix up.”
-
Sorry Not Sorry
Phineas spills juice everywhere.
Phineas: “I sorry, Carrie!”
Carrie: “That’s OK, Phineas.”
Phineas: “Oh! I no sorry, Carrie.” -
Thermometer
There is a thermometer on our back porch which is a large round dial with a thick needle, so it looks similar to an analog clock. Both kids have a hard time believing that it is not a clock.
Phineas: (pointing at the thermometer) “Nate, why that not a clock?”
Me: “Well, ‘clock’ and ‘thermometer’ are words that describe what a thing does. This measures temperature, and so we call it a thermometer.”
Phineas: “Why'momer?"
Me: "Are you asking something about the thermometer?"
Phineas: "mer?"
Me: (slowly and clearly) "ther-mah-meeter"
Phineas: (slowly and clearly) "Fin-ee-us" -
Covered in Sand
Phineas currently has an ‘a’ ending on a lot of his words in phrases.
“My shoe-a is covered in sand. My sock-a is covered in sand.”
-
Rocks in the Car
“I like to keep an extra rock in the car, in case anyone wants a rock to hold.”
-
Breakfast
Phineas’ favorite breakfast is toaster-waffles (“vaffles”) with maple syrup
Ezra’s favorite breakfast is plain yogurt with “extra-crunchy cereal” (grape-nuts) and honey and maple syrup
-
Weird and Cool
Ezra is singing a little song to himself in his room: “weird and cool / weird and cool at the same time / weird and cool at the same time / weird and cool at the same tiiiime
-
Just us human-men here!
Ezra says, enthusiastically, “So! What do you want on the menu, my fellow human-man?”
-
Fix-it brother
Ezra and Phineas have build a very long, complex train track. Phineas is slowly driving a train around and around the track. The train derails while heading up an incline.
Phineas: “Brother, you fix the train?”
Ezra: “I’m on the way!”
Ezra carefully gets the train back on the track exactly in the same spot on the hill that it was at before.
Phineas: “Thank you, brother.”
Later the train derails again.
Phineas: “Brother, you fix the train?”
Ezra fixes it.
Phineas: “Thank you, brother.”
The train derails for a third time.
Phineas: “You fix, brother?”
Ezra: “Maybe you shouldn’t use such a long train.”
(Ezra continued to fix the train.)
-
Tractor information
Related to us via the daily teacher’s notes. They are studying “community helpers” and spent a day on farmers (transitioning towards learning about farming)
Ezra asked to watch an episode of Mighty Machines, “because they really help you learn information about trucks.”
Elizabeth let them watch a bit about tractors.
-
Injury reaction
I roll a marble along the floor and it bumps Phineas’ foot:
Phineas: “Hey! You hurt my foot!”
Me: “Oh no! Are you bleeding?”
Phineas: “Hey! You hurt my foot!” He punches me lightly on the shoulder.
Me: “No. We don’t do that.”
Phineas: “You hurt my foot.”
Me: “OK. I’m sorry I hurt your foot.”
Phineas: “No I sorry.” He sits on my lap, “you give my foot a kiss?”
-
Sun Joke
Ezra: “Hey, Nate: when does the sun go out?”
Me: “I don’t know”
Ezra: “A long time! Get it? A looooong time!”
-
Tattoo Removal
Ezra’s Special Start teacher, Elizabeth related this to me. She had gotten a tattoo and the kids asked if it was temporary; she said it was permanent.
Ezra: Will it be on you until you die?
Elizabeth: Yes
Ezra: But when people die they turn into dirt, so I think that then your tattoo won’t be on you. So it’s not permanent.
-
Soup Destiny
Ezra, making soup from shaving cream and water:
“This is where soup meets its destiny.”
-
It's a Moose
The other day Carrie and Ezra were talking about how big a moose is (because Ezra got a lego moose). Carrie suggested that a moose would not fit (or only barely fit) in our bathroom.
Ezra is brushing his teeth before bed.
Ezra: “A mouse would not even fit in this bathroom!”
Me: “I think you mean a moose”
E: “The only thing that can fit in this room is a moose!”
N: “Well that must mean that you are a moose, since you’re in here.”
E: “And you’re a moose too, since you’re in here!”
N: “That’s right!”
E: “And everything else in here is also a moose.” -
Brother Help
Phineas has a part of Ezra’s lego fire truck (the ladder).
Phineas: “You fix it”
Ezra: “I need the rest of the fire truck. Get the rest of it.”
P: “OK, brother!” (gets the rest)
E: “This piece goes here” (repairs the truck)
P: “Good job!” (kisses Ezra)(Phineas immediately broke the truck again and Ezra refused to help because “I already fixed it once just now.”)
-
The Giant Devil-Dingo
Visiting my parents, Phineas has become obsessed with the book “The Giant Devil-Dingo”. It is about Eelgin, the grasshopper woman, and Gaiya, her giant dingo. She uses the dingo to hunt humans for food, until two butcher-bird brothers kill the dingo.
He understands that none of us like reading the same book twice in a row, so as soon as one person finishes reading, he takes the book to someone else to ask “read giant devil dingo”. If nobody will read it, he cries.
-
Bear Attacks
We are nearly to Ashfield.
Me: “Grandma and grandpa won’t be there; it’s just going to be us, alone in the woods. You and Phineas will have to keep us safe from bear attacks”
Ezra: “Nope. I’m going to be asleep.”
Me: “OK, then I guess Phineas will have to protect us from bears by himself.”
Ezra: “No; he’ll be asleep too.”
Me: “What are we going to do about bears then?”
Ezra: “Bears don’t come when there are people there.” -
Engines Ready
Entertainment magazines? Check!
Lightning bolts? Check!
Engines ready! GOOOOOOOOO!
-
Continue Attacking
Ezra and Phineas are in the kitchen. Phineas is beating on a cardboard box, using a wooden spatula. Ezra is holding a wooden frying pan in one hand and hitting it with a wooden spoon held his his other hand.
Ezra: “Attack!”
Phineas hits the box
Ezra: “Attack!”
Phineas hits the box
Ezra: “Attack!”
Phineas hits the box
Ezra: (whispering) “Continue attacking!”
Phineas does so. -
Tooth-brushing schedule
We are arguing over whether or not Ezra will brush his teeth himself. He wants me to do it for him.
Ezra: “You brush my teeth this time, and then I’ll do it next time. You only have to brush my teeth two more times – this time, and right before you die. I’ll brush my teeth all the other times.”
-
Spatial reasoning
Ezra: What are you doing?
Me: I’m trying to figure out if this food will fit. It requires spatial reasoning. I am not very good at spatial reasoning, but Carrie is very good at it. Do you think you’re good at spatial reasoning?
E: What is it?
N: Climb up here and I’ll show you.
E: (Sounding resigned) What do I have to do?
N: Do you see this leftover food?
E: Yes.
N: Do you see this glass container?
E: Yes.
N: Do you think the food will fit in the container?
E: (Definitively) No.
After I used a bigger container, I could see that he was quite correct.
-
CSA Pick-up
Ezra is directing me to the location of our CSA pick-up. He can’t tell me anything about it except, “I have a very good memory. It’s this way!” while walking in an indeterminite direction.
He leads me close enough that we can finally see them: “There! Over by those humans! That’s the C-S-A!”
-
Hurt nose
“Nate: hurt nose!” is what Phineas says after he’s sneezed and needs his nose wiped.
-
Baby dance
I give Ezra an ultimatum “you can either stop kicking, or you can go to bed now.”
Ezra considers, then says, “Or you can do a baby dance in the kitchen and bash your head on the refridgerator and fall down.”
I did not manage to keep a straight face.
-
Our Mouths
“Our cheeks are just a pocket in our mouths.”
-
great fish
I draw a fish in chalk on the chalkboard.
“Oh! Nate! A fish! A fish, Nate! Great! Great fish!”
He rubs it out with his hand.
“No fish.”
-
rotten fishy
Ezra shouts, “first one to the bathroom is a rotten fishy!”
He runs past me into the bathroom. “I’m a rotten fishy!”
-
real foxes
Ezra: “Are foxes real?”
Me: “Yes.”
Ezra: “Why aren’t foxes fake?”
Me: “I don’t know how to answer that question.”
Ezra: “Why are foxes real?” -
Dreams of My Brother
I walk in the front door and Ezra starts talking to me (fairly loudly). Phineas, sleeping in the back room begins to wake up unhappily. I run over to sooth him back to sleep.
Phineas has his eyes still shut as he sits up in bed. “Brother! Hear Brother! Hear Brother!”
-
ship names
I describe a bit of the song “I am the Captain of the Pinafore” to Ezra.
N: “…and the ship that he’s the captain of is called the Pinafore.”
E: “Ships don’t have names!”
N: “They do. Almost all ships have names.”
E: “Is there a ship named Ezra?”
N: “Well, I don’t know one but there are many, many ships and they all have names, so I’m sure some of them are named Ezra.”
E: “How big are the ships?”
N: “Ships can be lots of different sizes. Some are giant, some are only big enough for one person.”
E: “Do the people on the ships name them? Do they like the ships?”
N: “Yes, I hope so, since they’re on them.”
E: “Are there ships in your mouth?”
N: “No, there are not.”
E: “I think there are!”
N: “Can you see any in my mouth?” (Opening my mouth)
E: “Yes. I see five ships in your mouth.”
N: “Oh yeah? What are the ships in my mouth named?”
E: “They are all named Ezra!” -
Pizza cookies
Ezra is describing “pizza cookies”. They are raisen cookies with banana flavoring.
“The banana flavor tastes like pig meat and the pig meat flavor tastes like rotten pizza dough and the rotten pizza dough flavor tastes like yummy banana flavor.”
-
Villains
I’m reading “Baron Von Baddie and the Ice Ray Incident” to Ezra. We get to the page where the Baron is in jail, looking out through a barred window.
Ezra: “Why are there bars on the window?”
Me: “Because it’s a jail, and the bars are there to keep him from escaping.”
Ezra: “But he does escape. Why don’t they know that he digs a hole to escape?”
Me: “I don’t know. Maybe it’s not a very good jail?”
Ezra: “If Barron Von Baddie was smaller and he turned sideways, then he could get out through these two bars.”
Me: “Often, a person’s head is the most difficult thing to fit through a small space. If your head can fit through, you can usually fit the rest of you”
Ezra: “Yeah. And babies have really small heads, so baby villains could escape from jail really easily.” -
Napping baby
Ezra lays down a blanket. Phineas lies down on it.
Ezra: “OK, Big Baby, you can sleep now!”
Phineas makes fake snoring noises.
-
Phineas-dragon
At bedtime, I tell Phineas that he is “Phineas-dragon” and narrate his flight to bed:
“Phineas-dragon flies through the air!”
“Phineas-dragon turns off the light!”
“Phineas-dragon flies over big brother!”
“Phineas-dragon comes in for a landing!”
After he lands, he stands up and spreads he arms like wings and tells me about it: “Phineas-dragon fly! Phineas-dragon land! Dragon! Fly! Land here!” He spins around excitedly.
-
No brother here
Phineas looks around for Ezra. He walks to me, spreading his arms out, “huh! No brother here, Nate!”
“Yup,” I say, “no brother around here.”
“Where brother? No brother here; where brother?”
-
Phineas bedtime directions
Carrie mentions that it’s time for Ezra to go to bed.
Phineas: “Nate, Brother go sleep.”
Ezra keeps playing and nobody reacts.
Phineas: “Nate!” (jabs his finger at me) “Brother!” (jabs his finger at Ezra) “Go! sleep!” (jabs his finger toward the bedroom)
-
A battery and solar panel
Ezra’s been reading The Way Things Work as a bedtime book.
“A gigantic battery with two solar panels and a wire coming out. It holds a lot of electricity!” -
Brother Help
Phineas falls down while jumping on the bed: “Help! Brother! Brother!”
Ezra come over and helps Phineas back up.
-
Will you trip?
“Carrie, will you trip over the humidifier and fall down? It would make me laugh and I like to laugh.”
-
Dragon detector
Ezra’s been on about dragons. He shows us a triangular device he’s built.
Carrie: “Is that a dragon detector?”
Ezra: “It’s actually not a dragon detector!”
-
Dragons
“Our whole house is a dragon. And it is dead. I’m collecting dragon bones.”
Ezra pantomimes pulling down several rib bones and stacking them.
“Here is a book. It is made of dragon bones. Do you want to read it? It is all about dragons!”
(Looking through an actual book about dragons) “This dragon is alive. And this dragon is dead. This is the dragon that our house is in!”
-
No yelling
Phineas is yelling at Carrie and Ezra (“No shirt! No paint!”)
Carrie: “Phineas, please stop yelling. This isn’t helping.”
Phineas: “NO YELL!”
-
Not checking in
Ezra, in a whiney voice, “Phineas hurt me and then left without checking in. “
-
No moon
Phineas is enjoying the power of “no” as I try to read him “Goodnight Moon” at bedtime.
“In the great green room–“
“No room!”
“–there was a telephone, and a red balloon–“
“No balloon!”
“–and a picture of… the cow, jumping over the moon!”
“No moon!”
“And there were three little bears–“
“No bears!”
“–sitting in chairs–“
“No chairs!”
“–and two little kittens–“
“No kittens!”
… -
The failing rocket game
Ezra has a game he likes to play with us that goes like this: his rocket is out of control! Everything is going wrong! What should we do?
I ask him to describe the problem: all the blasters are firing in different directions.
Are there buttons to control the blasters? Yes, but they all fire the wrong blasters.
Maybe the wiring is bad. Could he figure out which button fires which blaster and regain control of the ship? Now the entire button panel has gone offline. None of the buttons work.
Is there a lever he could pull to re-activate the button panel? No, the first lever we try is the one that permanently disables all the levers. We have lost all control of the ship.
Can we radio for help? No, the radio is also not working. Sparks are coming out.
I guess we’ll have to abandon ship. I suggest getting in our suits to space-walk out of here, but the rocket doors are sealed shut.
I give up at this point, but I’m pretty sure that if I tried to keep going we would fly into an asteroid or the sun or something.
He wants to play this game pretty often (or a variant where robots are destroying everything and can’t be stopped). Today I realized that my 4 year old is running me through the Kobayashi Maru exercise.
-
Never give up
Phineas: “Carrie”
Carrie: “Phineas”
Phineas: “Carrie”
Carrie: “Phineas”
Phineas: “Carrie”
Carrie: “Phineas”
Phineas: “Carrie”
Carrie: “Phineas”
Phineas: …
Carrie: “I thought we were saying each others names. Have you given up?”
Phineas: “Noooo Carrie!” -
Food quantities
Ezra asks for some cottage cheese for lunch. I see there is only a couple spoon-fulls left:
Me: “Hmm. There is not too much cottage cheese here for you.”
Ezra: “That’s good. If there was too much cottage cheese than I would not eat all of it.”
-
Grandpa challenge
Steve finds Ezra sitting in Steve’s usual seat at the table: “what is this? A challenge to the throne?”
Ezra: “It is a challenge to the throne. “
-
My cup
Phineas, reaching for Ezra’s water: “my water!”
Ezra: “no, use a sippy cup”
Phineas: “no! Both cups!”
-
Pregnancy body-horror
“These little babies live inside your stomach. They can’t see anything, so they cut little holes in your stomach to use as windows.”
-
Helpful dinosaur
Ezra: “This dinosaur does lots of helpful things. It feeds you healthy food, like good pancakes with butter and toast. It will also help you get dressed!”
Carrie: “Well, I’m already dressed…”
Ezra: “It will also help you get pajamas on! And it will help you read a bedtime story to Phineas.”
(Carrie sneezes)
Ezra: “And it will help you cover your mouth when you sneeze. And it has an excellent sense of smell so it can help you find things by smelling for them. And it has sticky feet so it can stick to places.”
-
Conservationist
“Let’s flush our pee together, so that we only use one flush.”
-
Until we die
“Nate, can we use these earplugs again?”
“Yes. They are reusable.”
“Can we use them until we die?”
(“Until we die” is his current version of “forever”)
-
Too many questions
“Carrie, let’s play Too Many Questions.”
-
Mothers
Ezra: “Is your mother dead now?”
Carrie: “No.”
Ezra: “Why is your mother not dead now?”
Carrie: “Because people mostly die when they are old, and my mother is not that old.”
Ezra: “People can die at any time. “
-
Going to school
Ezra: “Are you ready for school?”
Phineas: “Sure!”
Ezra (waving a metro card): “OK, I scanned your ticket. You can go to school now!”
Phineas takes the ticket back and trots off, wearing a little backpack.
-
Other parents
In a part of Amherst we’ve never been: “I remember this place! My old parents used to live here with me!”
-
Outlook is poor
“This is turning into a disaster!”
–Ezra, after Phineas moved the bucket of duplos several inches -
Many Phineases
Ezra and I are talking about Thanksgiving.
“A lot of people will be there: Susan, and Zoe, and Simon, and Marina, and Grandma, and Grandpa, and your uncle Orion, and… Simon and Zoe’s grandfather, Sid.”
“Why is his name Sid?”
“Because that’s the name his parents gave him.”
“What are his parents’ names?”
“I don’t know. Sid would know, though. You could ask him.”
“Why does only Sid know what his parents’ names are?”
“Well, he might not be the only one. But I know that he knows his parents’ names. Just like you know your parents’ names, right? What are your parents’ names?”
“… Carrie … and … Ezra”
“Not quite. Let’s try again. Who is your mother?”
“Nate!”
“Hmm.”
“There are two Nates in this house!”
“Really?”
“And there are four Ezras, and three Carries. And eighteen Phineases!”
-
Nurse
Phineas wakes up from his nap: “nurse”
Carrie: “Can I give you a hug instead?”
Phineas hugs her, then kisses her. “Nurse.”
Carrie: “We’re not going to nurse all the time.”
Phineas cries.
-
Truck speed
“Carrie, do trucks go at maximum speed?”
– Ezra, after watching too much Rescue Bots -
Phineas words
A few of Phineas’ words right now:
- Ezra
- nurse
- stuck
- baby
- monster
- iPad
- pee
- potty
- cheese
- fish
- walk
- book
- water
- juice
-
Refreshed
“I am well-rested!”
–Ezra, after a much-needed nap -
Check out my diverter
“Check out my diverter, Nate. It was manually overrided.”
-
Good adults
Ezra: “Me and Phineas are practicing doing dangerous things, so that we can be good adults.”
Carrie: “How does doing dangerous make you a good adult?”
Ezra: “Because adults do dangerous things. Like cooking. So we are doing dangerous things so that we can be good adults!”
-
Tough questions
(Discussing the terror attack in Paris that happened the day before)
“Why were people being killed?”
(Carrie tries to explain the concept of violent conflict.)
“Were they using a pterodactyl to hurt people?”
-
Sleeptalking
Ezra is having a restless night. In his sleep, he mumbles, “I need those Phineas. Give them back!”
-
Piles of bread
“I put the bread in piles. Then, humans get to pick which pile they want to take bread from. “
-
Similar words
“‘Tiger’ and ‘lizard’ both start with an ‘s’!”
-
Step right up!
Ezra sets up a stack of pillows, so that Phineas can climb up to play with the light switch:
“Step right up! Ahhh! The first baby in town! Step right up, Phineas!”
-
Halloween candy
“Today, I can eat all of my candy.”
-
Nocturnal
Ezra: “Did you know there are some creatures whose eyes glow in the dark?”
Carrie: “Yes! Do you know what they are called?”
Ezra: “Night hunters.”
Carrie: “They’re also called ‘nocturnal’.”
Ezra: “Yeah, that means they’re not turtles.”
-
Made in half
“This mouse was made in half. (Points to the seam line in the plastic.) “See this line? That means they made it in half. If they made it in whole then it would be hard to put batteries in it, but since it’s made it half you can put batteries inside.
“And why would you not want to put batteries in something!?”
-
Favorite butter knife
“This is my favorite butter knife. It has the most” (high pitch, arms upraised) “FAAABULOUS … point!”
-
The gate
“Sorry! It’s closed! I can’t pay any money for you if it’s closed! Come back at 20:30, with no trains!
“Phineas doesn’t understand how the gate works. He has to pay quarters to go through but he didn’t go through so they gave the quarters back but it’s not supposed to work that way.
“You paid, so I will open the gate! Go through. You want to go to the special money bank? Phineas, you want to go to the special money bank? You want to go to the special money bank? Then hop on, and have a ride! OK, but it’s closed! It’s all closing! Everything’s closed! The park’s closed and the baby’s closed too! The baby’s closed and Stop & Shop is closed! And you will not be compensated for any damages!”
-
Phineas Burns
Ezra: “And now! Phineas Burns will announce the final [instruction?]!”
Phineas (standing behind a chair like its a podium): “Daaah!”
Ezra: “Now we will make another giant exploding volcano!”
-
Jumping on the bed
Ezra and Phineas are jumping on the bed.
Ezra: “The loser is the one who falls down! The loser is the one who bonks his head!”
Phineas falls down, hitting his head.
Ezra: “Phineas is the loser! Phineas is the loser! The winner is the one who keeps jumping!”
-
I still like it
“This is the plate I had from when I was a baby and it looks like I still like it!”
-
Gates
We got a baby-gate. The next day, Ezra says thoughtfully, “we should get more gates, to keep Phineas in one place.”
Later, after he has mastered the unlocking and locking mechanism, “I make sure everyone stays safe in the kitchen!”
-
Reading trouble
Nate: “Ezra, pick out a book for bedtime. It’s getting dark, so we need to hurry up or we’ll have trouble seeing the book.”
Ezra: “Well, if we found the flashlight, then we would be able to see! Let’s look for the flashlight!”
Nate: “No. I don’t want to look for the flashlight in the dark. We’ll read by the light that we have.”
Ezra: “But there isn’t a lot of light.”
Nate: “That’s OK.”
Ezra: “Well, I guess we will just have trouble.” (Said in this nasal-y voice that he uses when he’s disagreeing but thinks we’ll ignore his objections.)
-
Exercises
Ezra wants to exercise with me. I describe one-leg lifts. He begins following me, then moves to lifting both legs at once.
“I see you’re doing two legs,” I say.
“Yeah. I can go faster than you, because I am older!”
He begins flopping his entire lower body rapidly. “Nate, why are you so slow?”
-
Why we toil
“Nate, you go to work to get money for the washing machine.”
-
Smoking
(Rubbing his hands together) “Carrie, why isn’t smoke coming out of my hands?”
-
What other people want
“Some people only know what other people want when they see the other people touch something. That’s how they know what other people want.”
-
Birthday
Nate, did you know today is your birthday?
“I thought that June 30th was my birthday.”
“Well…” he lays his head down to the side, “you’re wrong. Today is your birthday.”
-
What kids do
Ezra (speaking in a weird monotone): “babies throw their clothes on the floor. Kids go into their closets and drag out hangers. Then they show the things they made to their persons.”
(back to his normal voice): “Nate, look.” He’s pulled out a complex hanging sculpture made of his clothes hangers.
-
Ice-cream person
“I cooked the body to make the body very hot, and then I shoved a brain in her, and then I put a net over her as a cloth, and then I put a cup on her head to use as a hat. And then I had an ice-cream person, and then she turned off the stove and ran over to me. I found her leg-shadows right on the floor, over there.”
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What are they watching?
Ezra and Phineas are playing Wii. Phineas weighs too little to register on the balance board, so his skier is just going straight down the hill.
Ezra: “Phineas and I are just watching. We think that this is WALL-E.”
Phineas: “Uh.” (Shakes his head negatively)
Ezra: “Phineas thinks that this is Rescue Bots.”
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Baby sausages
“Let’s all pretend to be baby sausages!”
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Rock thoughts
“Wouldn’t it be great of you and me and Nate and Phineas were all rocks?”
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Oatmeal house
“This is an oatmeal house. Each day when we come home we open up the door and there’s oatmeal dumped on the floor, so we are eating it. Yum-yum-yum-yum. And when we go to bed we sleep on oatmeal.”
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Life of hunger?
(Ezra is using a strap to open and close a door. Phineas is using a stool to flip on and off a light switch.)
Ezra: “We are fixing things for our life of hunger!”
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Spiders and appearances
“Some spiders just look like spiders. They’re really spider crabs. It’s just because they’re being silly.”
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Terrible injury
Ezra is playing with the packaging of a newly-bought first-aid kit.
E: “Can we open this?”
N: “No.”
E: “When can we?”
N: “When someone is terribly injured.”
E: “Carrie, when will you be terribly injured?”
C: (groans) “I feel terribly injured.”
E: “Nate, Carrie says she feels terribly injured.” -
Burning things
(Thinking about a pot that we’d once let sit on the stove too long.)
“Carrie, maybe we could start burning things in the pot that you already burned things in. We could use something that’s really really hot to burn things.”
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Nesting
“Let’s raise baby front-loaders in this nest.”
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Facts of life
“I used a whole container of butter on baking. And we need butter for life.”
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Kid-comments
Carrie and Ezra are talking about food together. Ezra: “Well, when I was a baby my mother made food for me, and it was very yummy.”
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Christmas tractor
“Carrie, I really like this Christmas tractor, so you should always put a tractor in my Christmas stocking.”
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Ezra's motto
“When I couldn’t do it, then I didn’t do it.”
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Eating bugs
“When I was little, I started liking eating bugs. So I am the person in this house who likes eating bugs. So you will not have to eat any bugs because I will eat all your bugs. So then you will be very very very happy.
“I will eat all the bugs you have. Because they tasted very good when I was a baby.”
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Television
“I need television all the time. Every day. I need to watch television every day.”
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Talking things
Ezra enters the room carrying a snow shovel and ice scraper. “These things are trouble makers because they were bumping into things. They say, ‘let us go! Let us knock over things! Let us fall on the baby!’”
“Hmm. This sounds like I should take them away from you.”
Ezra talks to the shovel and scraper: “Stay there. Don’t fall over.”
(Later, they fell over onto things repeatedly and were taken away.)
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Cards
“Is Phineas ready for cards to be shooting at him?”
“No, Phineas is not ready. He would definitely not like cards shooting at him.”
“But they would just shoot into his eyes!”
“That’s even worse.”
“Why? Why doesn’t anyone like cards shooting at them?”
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Candy all the time
“Why don’t I get candy all the time?”
–Ezra, upon receiving a piece of candy -
Punching holes
While driving in the car, Ezra says, “Phineas could make a hole in the door and then put his hand out and then grab a bird and then he puts the bird in his mouth and then he eats it!”
Carrie: “I guess that could happen, but I don’t want my baby to punch a hole in the car door.”
Ezra: “I want to punch a hole in the car door.”
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Person blender
“Carrie, this is a person blender.”
“Is it a blender in the shape of a person? Or a blender that blends people?”
“It blends people.”
“Oh! Do people need blending?”
“Yeah. They do.”
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Negotiation
Ezra has a bowl containing 8 plastic butterflies and a plastic snake.
“Carrie would you like a snake?”
“Can I have a butterfly?”
“Carrie I have a butterfly and and snake for you.”
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Ghost-Baby adventures
(Hauling multiple bags from the kitchen to the living room)
“The ghost has so much stuff. The ghost is taking so many heavy bags because the ghost is very strong. These things are all for the picnic. Phineas can come to the picnic. Now we are driving to the picnic. The ghost and baby are driving to the picnic.
“Nate, the ghost brought eggs on this picnic. Nate, do you want these eggs? These hard-boiled eggs we brought on this picnic? I’ll get hard-boiled for you, Phineas. Nate-ghost: do you you want to eat these eggs? These hard-boiled eggs? They’re nice and crunchy, would you like to eat them? I have more down here if you’d like more hard-boiled eggs.
“Phineas, we need to pack up all our stuff. Nate, the ghost has to go somewhere else because the baby-ghost was not listening. I’ll close up the eggs.
“Nate, I managed to get myself under the couch.”
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Spooky
Ezra wraps a sheet around himself, then drapes it over a child-sized shopping cart.
“I am a shopping ghost. The shopping ghost is going to the grocery store to shop for oatmeal food.”
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Focusing
“Ezra, why don’t you put down the yoga cards and focus on getting dressed.”
“Nate, I am not focusing on getting dressed.
“Nate, I am focusing on yoga cards.
“That is what I am focusing on.
(quiet sing-song) “Focusing on/yoga cards/focusing on/yoga cards…”
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Toothbrush home
(Putting his toothbrush on the sink)
“This is the toothbrush’s home.
“This is its own little Cambridge.
“This is where its playroom is, and its living room, and its kitchen, and its dining room table, and its bedroom, and its bed.”
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Food at the office
“Nate, do you have food at your office?”
“Yes.”
“Do you already have food at your office?”
“Yes.”
“Do you already have food at your office?”
“Yes.”
“Is the food already at your office?”
“Yes.”
“Are you going to eat the food that is already at your office?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
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Butts, OK?
Ezra sits down hard and Carrie asks, “is your butt OK?”
“Yes, my butt is ok.”
“Good.”
“Why you want to know if my butt OK?”
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Big feelings and fort-sitting
Ezra: “I want to sit on it.”
Carrie: “You can’t sit on it. It will fall apart and you’ll fall down.”
“I want to sit on it.” (On the verge of tears)
“Forts aren’t for sitting on. You could sit in the fort. You could sit on the hammock.”
“But I really want to sit on the fort.” (Begins to cry)
“It’s not made for sitting, it’s too fragile.” (the tears aren’t stopping) “Is the fort too upsetting?”
“I don’t like the fort!”
“OK, we’ll take to fort apart.”
“NOOOOOO! I like the fort. I really, really like the fort!”
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Two things Ezra is repeating today
“I’ll pay if you get the tip!” (This is a line of dialog in the Sara Varon book “Bake Sale”)
“Choo choo the big train is coming down the tracks!” (Sung over and over at increasing volume)
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Ezra, on power wraps
“I don’t like power wraps.”
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Nap-time
Ezra is trying to fall asleep. I am on the porch in the hammock with Phineas, who has fallen asleep. The baby monitor is next to me. Some opera from Ezra’s iPad is playing through with crackles and pops like an old-time radio. Intermixed with the opera is the sound of Ezra alternately groaning and shouting numbers. It is not a very relaxing station to listen to.
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Standards
“I want to have clean sheets, with no poop on them.”
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Skyscraper
“I’m pretending it is a sky-scraper!”
“I’m pretending it is a sky-scraper!”
“The sky-scraper is scraping the sky!
“That is what a sky-scraper is for!”
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Letters and imagination
Ezra is playing with my belt (it’s a ratchet-based thing, so it has lots of holes to thread, a spring-loaded lever, and makes clicking noises).
He makes a tight loop and then holds it up edge-on with the loop on the right side.
“Nate, I made a ‘P’ for Phineas. Here is the ‘P’,” he points to the loop.
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On the menu
Ezra was pretend-cooking this morning. He said he was making “ground chicken” (wooden blocks) and “beef sauce” (shoelaces).
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It's a Monty Python reference
“Ezra, I said, ‘how many balls are in the bathtub?’”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, let’s count them together.”
I show him the first ball and he counts, “one!”
I show him the second: “two!”
I show him the third: “FIVE!”
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Why?
“Nate, I want you to cut up more german pancake for me.”
“OK.” I start cutting it up.
“Nate, why are you cutting up german pancake? Why, Nate? Why? Why? Why? Why, Nate? Nate why are you cutting up pancake?”
“Because you asked me to. I don’t understand what you’re asking.”
“What is why, Nate?”
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Bedtime monkeys
“I want to go to bed with monkeys.”
When I got into the bed there were several stuffed monkeys laying around him.
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Clean hands
Ezra’s hands are covered with ink. He wipes them on his shirt.
Carrie: “Oh! Don’t wipe your hands on your clothes!”
Ezra: “I am wiping my hands on my legs.”Ezra then wipes his hands on his bare legs.
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Nap-time talk
Ezra talks to himself while trying to fall asleep for a nap. Mostly it’s too hard to understand what he’s saying, but today he spent a while chanting, “Grandma Sally! Grandma Sally! Grandma Sally!” in a little sing-song voice.
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Chopsticks
Ezra calls chopsticks “stick-chops”.
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Warcraft II
I read a post by Steven Frank, “Arcade Story”, about how he became an expert at the game Dragon’s Lair
One day I was sitting in our apartment reading a video game magazine (nerd!), and in the back was a little section of classified ads. My eye was caught immediately by the words “Beat Space Ace and Dragon’s Lair!” For a few bucks, you could send away for this random guy’s strategy guide, which listed all the moves and when to make them. Please realize there was no residential internet. We had a computer, but no modem. There was no just going to Google for an FAQ or walkthrough. If you didn’t know the moves, you just didn’t know them, unless you knew someone else who knew them, which of course you didn’t. I begged my parents. Weeks later, my strategy guide arrived (a few black and white photocopied sheets of paper stapled together), and I began studying.
(Also his parents bought him an arcade cabinet so he could practice for free.) This reminded my of a somewhat similar incident from my own childhood.
In the summer of 1997, between my junior and senior years in high school, I went to Harvard Summer School. You got the full college experience for the summer, including one college-level course, transferable to most institutes of higher education (not Harvard University, though, they had standards). I took Latin for my course, and it was great, but the classwork was really the least important aspect of the experience.
One great thing was living in the dorms and playing networked video games with all the other kids. Nearly everyone had brought a computer, and the dorms were all wired for Ethernet.
The best network game was Blizzard’s Warcraft II. We’d play match after match long into the night. About 20 minutes each, and you’d leave your door open so you could hear the shouts from across the hall when you won or lost.
WC2 was a solidly fun game, but in PvP matches there was a significant advantage to playing as the orcs. The game plays fairly evenly until the orcs get ogre-magi and the humans get paladins. The paladins can heal, which takes a lot of focus and concentration, while the ogres can cast “bloodlust” which makes them more powerful without needing a lot of attention. Most people in the dorm tended to play the orcs because of this.
Most people also didn’t really use the Internet. I found some strategy guides with build orders and that was enough to let me play humans just to show off.
My favorite build involved sending invisible mages to destroy my opponent’s economy. It was tricky enough to be a challenge for me to win, and it kept the other kids nervous whenever they played against me.
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Ezra, on farts
“Phineas farting!
“Phineas not know how to stop farting.
“Phineas not know how to un-fart.”
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Cottage cheese eating
“You will have to get off your bike to eat cottage cheese.”
“After Ezra finish eating cottage cheese, then Ezra get back on bicycle!”
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Two balls
“Ezra kick two balls.”
We expressed some skepticism.
“Ezra have two feet!”
He did kick both balls.
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Alphabet volume
Ezra has been working on his alphabet. This morning at the breakfast table, he started shouting
H! I! J! K! L! NOW! I! KNOW! MY! A! B! Cs!
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